2.24.2011

More Contributions, from (The Make Up) Ladies Man...

Long time friend, Cosmenaut.blogspot.com author, esthetician, and whiskey enthusiast Greg Hoffman offers us his take on some band name suggestions...





Archipelago [pr: ahr-kuh-pel-uh-goh] - noun:

Sometimes, instead of naming your band after a geographical location, it's good to name your band after a natural occurrence, like Men At Work. With a name like this, you should have no more than three members, but extremely huge sound similar to Tortoise. But, you know, with fewer people. Suits and ties on stage, maybe all white with silver accents. Then, in public appearances, you wear track suits in the same color scheme. Fake vague European accents. As a joke, you record a cover of Sugar Sugar (by The Archies, get it?) and even though it sounds nothing like your other stuff, it will be your most well known song, catapulting you among the likes of The Butthole Surfers and The Flaming Lips. (Note: Due to reading Greg's transcriptions on an iPhone, we thought his original suggestion was "Archipelago Sometimes"...which we also think rules!)

Rum Soaked Lady Fingers [pr:ruhm sohkd ley-dee fing-ers] - noun, adjective, noun:

It's tempting to take this string of words literally, therefore possibly evoking images of hard drinking, hard rocking, chick-driven awesomeness. Unfortunately, we know the truth: delicious dessert. So, you should be an aging, waist-expanding, sit-down house band at some horrible touristy bar, playing quirky covers of classic rock and country tunes from song books. And taking cake for tips.

Locke & Lowell [pr: lok and lohl] - noun, conjunction, noun:

Consider yourself the bastard lovechild resulting from a quaalude-infused one night stand between later Hall & Oates and early Simon & Garfunkel. To fully commit to this name, the lead singer and the guitarist should legally change their respective last names to Locke and Lowell, parrying any assumptions that your band name is a reference from Sofia Coppola's Lost In Translation. However, just to keep everyone guess, your best song should be a hidden track on your first record, called, "Evelyn Waugh Was A Man". Play some hard rock in mesh tank tops and everyone will love you. Still don't get it?! Ask the next old Japanese guy you see in a strip club to "What kind of music say, The Rolling Stones play?" Locke & Lowell. They can open for Sanford & Sons, I mean, Mumford & Sons.

The Monkey Shines [pr: Mungh-kee Shayns] - noun, verb:

Remember that movie? Don't worry, nobody else does either. It was about a guy who becomes a quadriplegic and gets a helper monkey to help him out. Then the monkey goes crazy and fucks with him and everybody and stuff. Lesser George Romero (might make for a good album name). You need an indie rock sensibility like The Shout Out Louds, Clap Your Hands, Hot Hot Heat. And, as such, only your first record should be really great. Strive to be the sort of band Nick Harcourt won't stop talking about. Go on Carson Daly just to talk shit. If you're not gonna do the Flying Monkey suits from The Wizard of Oz - which you totally should - consider tight, white undershirts as your uniform. Especially for the chick drummer. Kick out the former child star who drinks too much because he's fucking up your dynamic (even though he thinks it's his band).

2.09.2011

Make it Hip.

Here's a few from our East Coast contributor, Kerry McCrohan. If anyone needs a good production guy in the East Coast, contact us, and we'll get you in touch with him! Here's a few suggestions from Kerry:


PAPER GANGSTER [pr: pey-per gang-ster] - noun, noun:

All signs point to dedicating this name to Tom Hanks' other showbiz son, but looks like he's sticking with "Chet Haze". I say this works for a band, or an emcee. The potential irony is limitless!

GESUNDHEIT! [pr: gəˈzo ontīt] - exclamation:

Don't use this, unless you're gonna include the exclamation point in the name, please...we just want it that way. Your hair, your skin, and your clothes, should look something like this. You have keyboards that you kind of play live, and this band, not Kraftwerk, is a major influence.


THE STICK UP KIDS [pr: stik uhp kids] - noun, adverb, noun:

Yeah, we know, there's The Get Up Kids, The Pinehurst Kids, The Cool Kids, and now this. But its been forever since those bands have been around. Haven't you learned anything from the Movie Industry?! If its been done, and people have forgotten about it, go ahead and use it again!