AGAMEMNON [pr: ag-uh-mem-nuhn] - noun:
Greek Mythology is an untapped resource in my opinion. If you're an Emcee, stuck without a name, please consider. You can get in a crew with the likes of Jeru The Damaja, and Afu-Ra. You can make Agamemnon work...there's words that rhyme with Agamemnon...Tron, Thong, Flan...see? Also works if you're a former member in a band like Glassjaw, and have formed a post hardcore band with other members of defunct bands.
BLACK PORN [pr: Blak Pawrn] - adjective, noun:
You shouldn't be the kind of band that fucks around a whole lot, with a name like this. Ideally, you should have a gimmicky line up. Like only having two band members, and the drummer is the lead singer, like THIS defunct whirl-wind of a band. Your musical credibility should be able to stand on its own merit, and create a sense of enigma...because good luck having your fans try to google and find your info with a name like "Black Porn". Then again, this dilemma could create a good buzz for you, giving your fans an opportunity to chastise their peers and appear elite. They can proclaim things like, "You HAVEN'T heard of BLACK PORN?!"
BROOKLYN [pr: Brook-lin] - noun:
Geography can help you out, if you're stuck in finding a suitable band name. You don't even have to be from that place, if you don't want to. Just ask BOSTON, EUROPE, BERLIN, MIAMI SOUND MACHINE, BEIRUT, CHICAGO, EARLIMART, or THE OHIO Players. Since there's a bevy of parents who've annoyingly named their children 'Brooklyn', and probably have never even been there, its time to for a band to assume this moniker. Maybe you can book a gig with fellow NY reference band HARLEM?
Ca Va? Ca Va [pr: Sah Vah? Sah Vah] - Its French:
Anyone with a few years of basic High School French can appreciate this one. If you need a clearer illustration of how this is used in everyday conversation, we defer to The Flight of The Concords. You should look stylish in black. Middle-of-The-Country Americans won't be able to tell if you're a foreigner or not? You will fit in playing at Cake Shop in NYC...bands like The Virgins will love you, and plead with their label to sign you as well.
THE CAB BABIES [pr: kab bey-bees] - noun, noun:
This is an incredulous ode to pregnant mothers who unwillingly delivered their offspring in the back of a taxi cab, en route to the hospital...and possibly had to deal with a very flustered Sikh driver in the aftermath. Sound wise? I say use the element of surprise, with this band name. I'd personally show up early, to see the opener for a band like Superchunk, if they were called 'The Cab Babies'. Be prepared for a possible plethora of unwanted parallels to Death Cab For Cutie, though.
CASSIUS BILL CLAY [pr: kash-uhs bil kley] - noun, noun, noun:
See what we did here?! The name Muhammad Ali's Mama gave him + Alan Rickman's notorious villain role in Die Hard. Your wisecracking attitude will make Fat Wreck Chords court you, like lonely, middle aged white men shopping for a Filipino Mail Order Bride.
THE CHEAP THRILLS [pr: cheep thrils] - adjective, verb:
This kind of creative license allows you to be the kind of musicians that even The Strokes or Jason Schwartzman could easily beat up. But, you still have the potential for a one-record, record deal. You relocated with your bandmates from Oregon, to San Francisco. Your 4.3 Pitchfork album rating earned you an opener slot touring with She & Him. But, you guys are not allowed to look at or talk to Zooey Deschanel directly.
CHIT CHAT [pr: chit-chat] - noun, verb:
Better have some Casio in your musical instrument arsenal. You need it, to open for LADYTRON. You should have some pretty sweet, angular haircuts.
THE CURL & DRAG [pr: th ee kurl uhnd drag] - definite article, verb, conjunction, verb:
A little hockey terminology comes into play, for this band designation. You should probably look like you don't care much for sports, to fittingly pull this one off. Otherwise it may be too over the top if you're a Canadian band, that sounds like the Barenaked Ladies.
DO THE MATH [pr: doo thee math ] - verb, definite article, noun :
Rock it hard. Jawbox style. Would look good on the marquee with "+/-" and Do Make Say Think, for overkill.
GESUNDHEIT! [pr: gəˈzo ontīt] - exclamation:
Don't use this, unless you're gonna include the exclamation point in the name, please...we just want it that way. Your hair, your skin, and your clothes, should look something like this. You have keyboards that you kind of play live, and this band, not Kraftwerk, is a major influence.
THE GOSPELS [pr: gos-puhls] - noun:
Better you don't sound like spiritual music, in the sense of a Michael W. Smith, or DC TALK. You should have at least an heir of being pretty bad ass...you know, like Jack White? In fact, if you produce that dirty rock sound, you could even open for any of his band incarnates.
GYROMITE [pr: jī-rō-mahyt] - noun:
We're no copyright experts, but if you're a playful band that doesn't mind having a music career with a shorter glass ceiling, go on and name yourself after this Nintendo game. I never quite understood how it was supposed to be very fun?
HAND OVER FIST [pr: hand oh-ver fist] - noun, preposition, noun :
We're going against Tom's post-hardcore recommendation, and asking you to name your emcee crew Hand Over Fist. No cutesy spelling with "Ova". Its been a long time since we've been graced with bad "$" signs photoshopped on rap album covers.
HELVETICA [pr: hel-vet-uh-kah] - noun:
When in doubt band guys, just open up Word, and see what typefaces and fonts have to offer you. Also acceptable? Times New Roman. With a name like Helvetica, you should probably surround your stage with ram's head skulls. Also makes us think of this fictitious metal band, care of Mr. Show.
KNIFE PLAY [pr: nahyf pley] - noun, noun:
We picture this band as having Afro(hair style)-Latin roots. Think Omar and At The Drive In/Mars Volta. Tough sounding band name, in the ilk of Murder City Devils, or Pretty Girls Make Graves. Skinny pants must match the tightness of your rhythm section.
LOL [pr: el-oh-el] - verb:
You should not proceed with this band name, unless your members are between the ages of 13 to 22. Otherwise you will be older, forced to remain silly looking, and forever stuck in the genre we recommend you sound like...such as these guys. We kinda think "LOL" is annoying to read...why not express yourself with "Hahaha" and pay homage to one of our most beloved Simpsons Characters? You should probably sound more punky than Brewster, but be willing to retire your band after your second year of college.
ME LOVE YOU, LONG TIME [pr: mee luhv yoo lawng tayhm] - pronoun, verb, pronoun, adjective, noun:
You're wacky, you're fun, you're light-hearted indie rock, you watch Stanley Kubrick, or think 2 Live Crew is kitschy. It couldn't hurt to have a cute, female, bass player in the band...who is Asian. Trust me, she won't mind this band name.
9/11 [pr: nahyn ih-lev-uhn] - noun, noun:
Its taboo. Name yourself after the worst attack on U.S. soil, at your own risk. It will definitely create a buzz for you, we just don't promise the good kind. There's a good possibility the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck will have heard of you, if you proceed with this name...may even have you on their shows for a one-sided, screamy interview. We recommend heavy, instrumental, brooding music. Think along the lines of Trans Am. Too heavy and controversy inducing for you? Try using the name "The Evil Doers".
OPEN YOUR EYES, ESSE [pr: oh-puhn yawr ahys, ess-sá ] - verb pronoun, noun, noun :
We think simply "Esse" will work also. This line is also lifted from a cinematic line, courtesy of "American Me". Either way, the irony of you being skinny, white, and not tough at all, adds some novelty your band. Your name alone beats up the contemporary competition. Sadly, Latinos will not flock to your shows. "Who you trying to get crazy with, 'Open Your Eyes, Esse'? Don't you know I'm loco?"
PAPER GANGSTER [pr: pey-per gang-ster] - noun, noun:
All signs point to dedicating this name to Tom Hanks' other showbiz son, but looks like he's sticking with "Chet Haze". I say this works for a band, or an emcee. The potential irony is limitless!
RUNYON CANYON [pr: ruhn-yuhn kan-yuhn] - noun, noun
In keeping with geographical location themes, you should be from L.A. (doesn't have to be originally) ideally, to represent this locale for your band name. For those of you who aren't familiar, Runyon Canyon is a historical L.A. park where you can find that demographic of Los Angelenos that make you question "whether or not they are actually employed?" on any given weekday. Great place for hiking, walking your dog, and being seen. As a band, you're probably going to be in the vein of a Nickelback, Three Doors Down, or anything else we deem un-listenable. The bright side? Those bands get all the chicks!
THE STICK UP KIDS [pr: stik uhp kids] - noun, adverb, noun:
Yeah, we know, there's The Get Up Kids, The Pinehurst Kids, The Cool Kids, and now this. But its been forever since those bands have been around. Haven't you learned anything from the Movie Industry?! If its been done, and people have forgotten about it, go ahead and use it again!
2 WEEK BENDER [pr: too week ben-der] - noun, noun, noun :
This is reserved strictly for 90's style punk/ska bands...are there any still left? See 2-Tone Records...out of curiosity, this suggestion from a contributor led me to see if Fat Wreck Chords was still in business? Apparently they are.
TECHNOLOGY IN THE WORKPLACE [pr: tek-nol-uh-jee in the wurk-pleys] - noun, proposition, definite article, noun:
It just makes sense to have a drum machine, or some guitars on loop, with this name. Think along the lines of electronic savvy DNTEL, or Boards of Canada for reference. You guys should look smart also...like your mother calls you incessantly, in addition to checking up on you, for simple computer IT related problems she has on a daily basis.
TIGRIS & EUPHRATES [pr: tahy-gris uhnd yoo-frey-teez] - noun, conjunction, noun:
Geography is your good friend with this suggestion. It also tells your followers that you have the basic ability to remember things from 6th grade Geography class. You will play the kind of post-hardcore that earns you a ticket to ride in an Econoline Van, thanklessly touring the country with any of Blake Schwarzenbach's post-Jawbreaker bands.
YEAH, BUT NO [pr: jɛə buht noh] - adverb, conunction, adverb
This band should consist of a married couple. Music is completely acoustic only. You will release a b-sides album, with bonus material comprised mostly of recorded arguments between songs, because there is nothing worse than listening to a married couple have an argument. You will be the supporting act to fellow cohabitant acts likes Mates of State, and Matt & Kim.
YOU KILLED MY FATHER, PREPARE TO DIE... [pr: yoo kild mahy fah-ther, pri-pair too dahy] - pronoun, verb, pronoun, noun, verb, preposition, verb :
Inigo Montoya is the inspiration for this band moniker. No matter what you do, you will not look as tough as you sound. Just ask The Murder City Devils. With this band name choice, you will surely be opening for And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead, in no time.